My heart is a fool as am I. So I dedicate this song to you, my foolish heart.

I need a love that grows
I don't want it unless I know
With each passin' hour
Someone, somehow
Will be there, ready to share

I need a love that's strong
I'm so tired of being alone
But will my lonely heart
Play the part
Of the fool again, before I begin

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You've been wrong before
Don't be wrong anymore

Feelin' that feelin' again
Playin' a game I can't win
Love's knockin' on the door
Of my heart once more
Think I'll let her in
Before I begin

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before, you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You've been wrong before
Don't be wrong anymore
Foolish heart
Foolish, foolish heart
You've been wrong before

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You've been wrong before
Don't be wrong anymore
Foolish heart

Oh foolish foolish heart
You've been wrong before

Foolish foolish heart
Foolish heart

I think living 20 years as a "straight" male has tainted me, leaving void of any real self. I find myself lying, or acting a part constantly. Always trying to be someone to make another feel happy, mad, or whatever feeling I wish to evoke. Why you ask I do this? I don't know, I guess I like to see if I matter. If what I say effects someone and to what extent. But if this is what I do, than what kind of life is this? I feel I know myself, but also feel I don't. Who is Nam? What is Nam suppose to do? All these questions and not an answer to be found. Pretending is not a way to live, and I feel this has become my life. I love my family, and friends, but feel I can't show any of them any of it. Because if I do, then it isn't who I have established myself to be known as. I have grown weary of my life and its existence. There's got to be more than life this. This life I live is not one of greatness nor of terrible plight. But I feel it is a hole that I cannot act/pretend my way out of. This is not an entry for a cry for help but one that is just to try to understand myself better through writing. Even though my writing skills suck I use it to understand myself. But am I really understanding myself or putting on an act to think I am understanding myself. I just don't know. My life has become a huge LIE to myself and I need truth. But before I can find truth I must find the lie. And that is where I am in today's emotional loop hole. But as I write this I feel I have no right to complain about my life cause there is so much hardship out there that I will never know or experience. There are gay men who live life in secret, in families who don't accept them, or in any other way other than mine that should be view in worst light.

Just finished watching the bootleg copy of "Love Actually" and that is one great terrific movie. As much as love makes you blind, foolish, stupid, and at times desperate, in the end LOVE is so grand. That is all I will say before I sound like some stupid sap.

So I had one adventurous dream last night. And here it goes.

So the dream starts off with Jack, Pung, Kim and I heading off to some gay bar. Don't really remember the events that happened at the club, but it is near closing time and we are off home. So we get to Jack's car and somehow I end up sitting in the driver seat waiting for Jack to get Pung. Kim is in the back seat. While waiting, Jack's car all of a sudden starts to roll back, so some how (without keys) I creep the car back up to our parking spot. I pull up the brake thinking that was the problem. But the car starts to roll back again, and once again I creep the car back up. I once again use the parking brake but the car rolls back again. So I some how drive the car to another parking spot, once again with no keys.

Kim and I step out of the car, but when I do I see this huge white semi coming straight towards Jack's car. But as the semi gets closer it becomes a small RC car and just rams into Jack's car. I look up and see some guy controlling the semi and he keeps backing up and ramming the RC into Jack's car. So I decided the next time the RC car comes I will kick it. So I do and the guy yells look what you did to your friend's car. I turned around and there is a huge dent on Jack's top left side of this car. Apparently I kicked a huge dent right above his top left wheel. And in the process somehow lowered his car. So I am freaking out about what I did, so go find Jack to tell him what happened.

When we get back, Jack's car has been stolen. Now we are in bigger trouble. What do we do? So Jack, Pung, and Kim go back to the club to get assistance. While I wait outside, I think I see Jack's car pass by and drive to a near by gas station/garage. So being the detective that I am I go straight to the gas station/garage to see if I can get back Jack's car. I get to the gas station/garage and roam around, and in the garage I see a whole bunch of cars. I see two silver mustang convertibles but none have Jack's license plate. So I walk outside and noticed that the whole garage has been swarmed with cops. I walk outside there the detective lady says I can't leave, that I have to stay. We chat for a bit, and then Jack, Pung, and Kim roll up in some white taxi van. They tell me lets go, and I reply back with I can't I have to stay here, they are having a bust here and not letting anyone go.

The End.

YOU'RE JULIA/BONNIE CASTLE!!! (From Original Sin)
The world is not all black and white, and you are
the proof. At times you're completely
cold-blooded, and at others you're as sweet and
caring as summer rain. You have seen much of
the world and its troubles, and in order to
survive you have pushed your conscience back
into the recesses of your mind. However, your
conscience does still exist. You're deep and
mysterious, and truly captivating. And whilst
you may find it hard to admit at times, what
you really want is someone to love who will
love you back for who you really are.


Which Angelina Jolie character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Does this sound like me?

For a couple of months now, I have been waiting for the next big thing in music and today I think I may have found them. (Ok they may not be the next BIG thing, but I find them very amusing.) The band I speak of is Death Cab For Cutie. Yes I know sounds dumb but they are a good band. I am tempted to buy their whole discography, only $50 bucks on their website. That is $50 bucks for 6 CD's that is less than $10 bucks per CD. Very tempted. You can download some of their songs off their website. I enjoy "Company Call," "I Was A Kaleidoscope," and "A Movie Script Ending."

So my two days of concert within two days proved to be awesome, and money well spent.

Jewel Concert

Damn that girl can sang. Also Jewel has some of the longest legs and nicest arms. Freaking amazing. The concert itself was very intimate and relax. Just like watching the "Producers", it was a lovely evening. The opening act, Joe "First" (couldn't hear his last name), was quite good. That boy can sang too, and was very entertaining for someone who hasn't really performed on stage much. He did a good job. As for Jewel herself, man her voice is just amazing. Too bad I don't more of her songs, probably would have made the concert better. But when she performed the songs I did know, it was freaking awesome. Totally different renditions of her songs. I am just happy she performed "2 Find U." That made my concert.

Michelle Branch

Damn that was a good concert. I didn't think she would be able to top Jewel from the previous night, but she came damn close. I would have to say the crowd made this concert more memorable, cause you felt he crowds energy, unlike Jewel's one. Where you knew people were there to appreciate Jewel and all her being. For someone who had some vocal sickness it sure didn't show during Michelle Branch's concert. When she belted out the end of "Breathe", from my previous entry, I was a happy boy. That made my concert. Man I loved it. She performed most of my favorite songs, which was cool and I knew the songs this time. Ah I love concerts they rock, especially ones in a small venue. Not sure if I can ever go to an arena/stadium concert again. Just not the same level of participation and energy. But we will see.

Yesterday

Went to SF with Pung to go redeem my 50% off at Rockport coupon. Got myself some nice white shoes. After putting them on, I like them a lot. I wish I could have gotten the pair I wanted but once again I could not find them. First time I got to shop in SF and walk around. I love SF now, it is so fun. A part of me wish I could live there. Might be the closest thing to my dream of living in NY. Got myself a nice Diesel and FCUK shirt. I am a happy camper.

After SF, had Cluck U, then had Jack and Pung over for a small movie night. We watched Jack's new special edition of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Freaking hilarious. Man I love that movie. Sir Lancealot's story is the best. Ah the blood shed.

Quite a nice weekend so far, but now I got to work on school stuff. Damn school. Oh well one more semester.

So I am at work listening to my mp3 player, when Michelle Branch's Breathe comes on. I love the feeling I get when I listen to the song, something about the song gives me a feeling of ... HOPE. I know the song doesn't really have anything to do with hope, but that is what the song gives me. I don't know why. Maybe it is the ending of the song when she belts out "You'll see everything is alright/Everything is alright/If I just breathe ... breathe." Just another entry of me expressing my current feelings. I will leave off with another lyric from the song.

"So you end up watching chances fade
And wondering what's real"

I would like to just take this time to thank Neal Desai for helping me with my anger problem yesterday. He did his normal, unrelated to my problem stunt and it worked. He made me laugh, made me cry, and by the end of it all, I had no remembrance of what I was feeling. Thank you Neal Desai.

I don't know why but at this very moment I feel very anger and unaccomplished. This is a very odd feeling, I have never gone through this before, this sudden mood change with no cause. What am I angry at, what accomplishment has gone undone? From feeling amazingly happy with my life yesterday to this feeling tonight? What is it? Could it be the fact I am tired of these gay Asian men, who are only into white men, or the fact that when I finally met an Asian man, he is an asshole? What is it? Is it the fact school is near the end of the semester and I feel I have a ton of work that I just don't feel like doing? I am lost but have all this passionate rage right now. What is it? AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Green You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

Heard that bitches, NURTURING!!!!

- Feel like doing something before bed so i will write about the weekend of Halloween. Let me start off by saying it sucked, one of my worst weekends ever. I shall begin on Halloween.

Friday, October 31, 2003

My initial play for Halloween was to go meet a guy in SF, who i have been talking on the phone with for awhile, spend nearly the whole day up there with him, meet Shin and Mike at Castro at 7pm, then meet Jack and Pak and them at 10pm in Castro. So with those plans i was pretty stoked about what i was going to be doing for Hallloween. Well things don't turn out the way you plan in life. The day started off with me having breakfast with Rick (first time meeting), it was a nice breakfast. Simple and casual, not a date just two guys meeting up for a friendship. Crappy thing about it was i got to the restaurant half an hour early, cause i under estimated traffic, and on top of that Rick was 30 mins late. Oh well. But during my wait, i thought about the guy I was going to be meeting up in SF and decided that i could not continue this affair anymore. Due to reason i will not discuss here, i could not continue seeing this guy. So after breakfast, it was off to SF to meet up with this guy. Once i got there, i tried to act distant so the guy would get the clue that this would not work. But i don't think he got the clue. So by 3pm, i had run out of things to do and could not last until 7pm, so i decided to just head home. On the ride home i called up Kim and we meet to eat at KFC (suppose to eat at a vegetarian place but it was closed and KFC was right across the street). After eating, Kim and I go to Valley fair to look for a coat for her but couldn't find one. She drops me off at Shin's place, where it is off to Castro for some partying. I convince Kim to come along and we are off. We get to Castro around 730, and two hours later I am still looking for parking. So i decide to head home and call it a night. I fall asleep at Shin's place, because i had been running on 4 hours sleep the night prior. So all in all, my Halloween was a bust. (Two trips to SF in one day hurts my legs)

Saturday, November 1, 2003

Don't remember anything from this day. Had Jack and Pung over to hang out. Watched Reservoir Dogs. I liked it. But other than that, nothing special about today so lets move on to the next.

Sunday, November 2, 2003

Nothing special except for one event. So i decided to let SF guy know i am calling this affair off. So i tell him this and he is all cool with it at the beginning. But as the conversation drags on, he does a 180 and starts yelling at me. Wishing me ill fortune, saying i am selfish and what not, all the stuff one would expect from someone blinded with rage. I must admit i am an asshole and jerk for what i did. So that is probably why i am not mad at SF guy, for saying all the stuff he did.

And that was my crappy Halloween weekend. Hope yours was better than mine.

- Funny how things come full circle. Got my last issue of Maxim, and the person on the cover is the exact same person on my very first issue, Jessica Alba. Just thought i mention that.

- So tired of looking for love or waiting for love to come to me. So in response i will now be spreading my love all around. To all my friends and family, I LOVE YOU!! No one shall hide from Nam's Love.